I do not remember what started it. Something about a packet of biscuits I would not buy, or possibly the wrong colour bag being used, or one of those toddler grievances that makes complete sense inside a two year old’s head and zero sense anywhere else. What I remember is the screaming. The floor. The stares from other shoppers doing that thing where they look just long enough to register the situation and then look away very deliberately.
I remember standing there holding a basket of groceries thinking: I have read about this. I know what I am supposed to do. I cannot remember a single word of it.
That is the thing about toddler tantrums in theory versus toddler tantrums in a public place in Singapore on a Saturday. Theory dissolves. What is left is just you, your child, the floor, and approximately forty strangers.
What actually helped me was not a single perfect technique. It was understanding what was happening in my son’s brain, having a handful of responses I had practiced enough to access under pressure, and — honestly — accepting that some tantrums are just going to run their course regardless of what I do.
Here is what I know now that I did not know then.
First — What Is Actually Happening
Toddlers between roughly eighteen months and four years are in the middle of a profound developmental contradiction.
They have wants, opinions, preferences, and feelings that are large and urgent and completely real to them. What they do not yet have is the neurological development to regulate those feelings, communicate them effectively, or tolerate frustration without completely falling apart.
The prefrontal cortex — the part of the brain responsible for impulse control, emotional regulation, and rational thinking — is not fully developed until the mid-twenties. At two years old, it is barely online.
So when your toddler screams on the floor of a supermarket because you gave them the wrong cup, they are not being manipulative. They are not doing this to embarrass you. They are experiencing an emotional flood that their brain genuinely does not yet have the equipment to manage.
Understanding this does not make the screaming quieter. But it changes how you respond to it — and that matters enormously for how quickly it resolves.
In The Moment — What To Actually Do
Step 1 — Stay as Calm as You Can
This is the hardest step and also the most important one.
When your child’s nervous system is dysregulated — flooded, overwhelmed, completely offline — what they need most is a regulated nervous system nearby. Yours. A calm adult presence is not passive. It is actively co-regulating your child’s nervous system, giving their brain something to orient toward.
When you escalate — raise your voice, physically tense up, match their panic with your own — the situation almost always gets worse and longer. When you stay low and steady, tantrums tend to resolve faster.
This is genuinely difficult when you are standing in public and every instinct is telling you to make it stop immediately. A few things that helped me stay regulated in those moments:
- Slow your breathing deliberately. Long exhale. Your nervous system responds to this even when your brain is not cooperating.
- Lower your physical position — crouch down rather than standing over your child. This reduces the threat signal your body is sending.
- Remind yourself: this is temporary. It will end.
Step 2 — Get Safe, Then Get Low
If your child is in a safe place and not in danger, your first move is not to pick them up or reason with them. It is to get physically lower — crouch or kneel so you are at their level rather than looming above them.
If you are in public and the environment is the problem — noise, crowd, overstimulation — move to a quieter space first if you can. Outside the shop, a quieter aisle, a bench away from foot traffic. Reducing sensory input can help a dysregulated toddler begin to come back down.
Step 3 — Name the Feeling Without Negotiating
Once you are low and calm, name what you see — briefly and without a lecture.
“You really wanted those biscuits. You’re very upset.”
That is enough. You are not agreeing to buy the biscuits. You are not launching into an explanation of why biscuits before dinner is not appropriate. You are simply reflecting back what your child is experiencing so they feel heard.
Children who feel seen and heard de-escalate faster than children who are argued with, threatened, or ignored. This is not a theory. It is consistently observed in child development research and also by every exhausted parent who has accidentally discovered it works.
Do not ask questions during an active tantrum. “Why are you crying?” requires cognitive processing your child does not currently have access to. Save questions for after.
Step 4 — Hold the Boundary Warmly
This is where many parents either give in — which teaches the child that tantrums produce results — or become harsh — which adds shame to an already overwhelming situation.
The middle path is warmly holding the boundary without negotiating.
“I know you’re upset. We’re still not getting the biscuits today.”
Then stop talking. Repeating the explanation more times does not make it land better. Say it once, clearly, and then stop adding words.
Your child does not need more information. They need time and a calm presence.
Step 5 — Wait It Out
This is the part nobody tells you clearly enough: sometimes you just have to wait.
A full tantrum in a toddler who is genuinely dysregulated has a biological arc. The stress hormones peak and then they come down. You cannot shortcut this with the right words or the perfect technique. You can influence the duration and intensity with how you respond. But you cannot make it end on demand.
In public this feels unbearable. The stares. The judgment you imagine — and sometimes receive. The desperate wish to just make it stop.
But staying steady through the full arc — not giving in, not escalating, just being calmly present — is what teaches your child, over time, that big feelings are survivable. That the rules stay the same regardless of how upset they are. That you are not going anywhere.
That lesson is worth more than avoiding one awkward moment in a supermarket.
Step 6 — Reconnect After
Once the storm passes — and it will pass — resist the temptation to immediately debrief, lecture, or extract a promise of better behaviour next time.
Your child is emotionally exhausted. Their cortisol is still elevated. They are not ready for a lesson.
What they need first is reconnection. A hug if they want one. A calm return to normal. “You okay now? Ready to finish the shopping?”
The teaching moment, if you want one, comes later — when everyone is calm and regulated, ideally not the same day.
The Public Tantrum Specifically
The NTUC situation, the playground meltdown, the MRT incident — public tantrums carry an extra layer because of the audience.
A few things worth knowing:
Other parents are not judging you as harshly as you think. Every parent of a toddler has been exactly where you are. The ones who look are mostly just relieved it is not their turn today.
Strangers offering unsolicited advice in Singapore is real and annoying. If an auntie tells you to just smack the child or give them what they want, you are allowed to smile and say nothing. You do not owe anyone an explanation of your parenting approach mid-tantrum.
Leaving is always an option. If you need to abandon the shopping and take your child home, that is a completely legitimate choice. It is not giving in. It is reading the situation and deciding the outing is over for today.
Speed is not the goal. The goal is not to end the tantrum as fast as possible at any cost. The goal is to get through it in a way that is safe for your child and consistent with the values you are trying to parent by.
What Helps Before the Tantrum — Prevention
Not every tantrum is preventable. But many are.
Track the triggers. Most toddlers have consistent tantrum conditions — hunger, tiredness, overstimulation, transitions between activities. Knowing your child’s specific triggers lets you anticipate and sometimes sidestep them.
Hunger and tiredness first. Never attempt a grocery run, a social visit, or any outing requiring cooperation with a toddler who is hungry or overdue for sleep. This seems obvious and is still the source of approximately forty percent of avoidable public tantrums.
Transition warnings. Toddlers struggle with abrupt transitions. Five minutes before leaving the playground, give a warning. Two minutes before. Then it is time to go. The warning does not prevent all protest but it reduces the shock of the transition significantly.
Choices within limits. Offering a toddler two acceptable choices — do you want to walk or be carried? do you want the red cup or the blue one? — gives them a sense of control within a boundary you have already set. This genuinely reduces power struggle frequency for many children.
Name feelings during calm moments. The more you narrate and name emotions during ordinary daily life — “you seem frustrated that the puzzle piece won’t fit” — the more vocabulary your child builds for their own experience. This slowly, over months, improves their ability to express rather than explode.
When It Feels Like Too Much
Parenting a toddler through the tantrum phase is genuinely exhausting. Not just physically. The constant emotional regulation required from you — staying calm when you are not calm, holding boundaries when every part of you wants to just give in and have it be over — is a significant ask.
If you find yourself regularly losing it — screaming back, saying things you regret, feeling genuinely out of control in these moments — that is worth paying attention to. Not as a judgment. But as information that you might need more support, more rest, or more space than you are currently getting.
You cannot pour from empty. Taking care of your own regulation is not a luxury. It is directly connected to how you are able to show up for your child in the hard moments.
The tantrum phase ends. Not today, possibly not next month, but it ends. What you are building right now — through every steady, boring, unglamorous moment of holding the boundary and staying calm — is a child who learns that big feelings are manageable. That the rules are consistent. That you are safe.
That is the work. It does not always look like much from the outside.
It matters anyway.
