Parenting and Money
After speaking to many new parents about the first few years of raising a child, there is one thing that comes up more often than you might expect: money.
Nobody starts the conversation by comparing salaries or discussing investments. It usually begins with something much more ordinary. A new parent talks about how expensive childcare has become. Another mentions that they did not expect so many small expenses to appear after having a baby. Someone else admits that they and their partner have started talking about money far more often than they did before becoming parents.
And sometimes, beneath all of that, there is a quiet admission that they are worried.
One mother told me that before having her child, she and her husband rarely discussed money. They both worked, paid their own bills and had enough left over to enjoy themselves. They could go out for dinner without thinking too much about the cost. They travelled when they felt like it. If one of them wanted to buy something, there was rarely a need to explain the decision.
Then their daughter came along.
Suddenly, every decision seemed to have another number attached to it.
There were medical bills, baby essentials, childcare costs, groceries and all the things they had not thought about because nobody really prepares you for the sheer number of small expenses that come with a child. None of them seemed particularly frightening on its own. It was the accumulation that made them stop and look at their finances differently.
Before children, money can remain a private matter between two adults. After children, it becomes part of family life.
Having a Child Changes What Money Means
Several parents described the same shift in different ways as money used to mean freedom.
It meant being able to book a holiday, have dinner somewhere nice or buy something you had been wanting without having to think too hard about what came next.
After having a child, money began to mean security.
It became the savings account you hoped would be large enough if something unexpected happened. It became the monthly childcare bill, the school expenses that would eventually arrive, the insurance policies you suddenly took more seriously and the growing list of things you wanted to prepare for before they became urgent.
For some parents, this change happened almost immediately. For others, it crept up slowly.
The baby grows. The nappies become school shoes, milk becomes groceries, and occasional medical appointment becomes regular dental visits. Then school starts, and suddenly there are uniforms, books, excursions, school activities and enrichment classes to think about.
Nobody sits you down and explains how quickly this happens. You simply find yourself living it.
One father described it as feeling as though his salary had suddenly acquired several new jobs. There was the mortgage, the household, the child and the future. He and his wife were still the same two people who had once spent weekends deciding where to have brunch, but their priorities had changed almost without them noticing.
The Conversations About Money We Did Not Expect to Have
Parenthood also seems to bring out differences between couples that were easier to overlook before.
One parent may be naturally careful with money. The other may believe that there is little point in working so hard if the family never gets to enjoy the money they earn.
Before children, that difference might have been amusing and can become a source of tension eventually.
One parent may wonder whether their child really needs another enrichment class. The other may feel that giving the child opportunities now could benefit them later. One wants to save more for the future. The other thinks the family should take a holiday while the children are still young enough to enjoy it.
The difficult part is that these disagreements rarely stay about the original expense.
A conversation about tuition can become a conversation about priorities. A discussion about a holiday can turn into an argument about savings. A disagreement over a new toy can somehow end with one person saying they feel they are carrying the entire financial responsibility for the family.
Money has a way of bringing other feelings to the surface.
Sometimes what sounds like, “We cannot afford this,” really means, “I am scared about what happens if something goes wrong.”
“Why can’t we just enjoy ourselves?” really means, “I am tired of worrying about the future.”
Those are much more vulnerable things to say.
The Quiet Calculations Parents Make Every Day
There is also a kind of financial work that happens quietly in the background of family life.
Parents do it while standing in the supermarket or while scrolling through school notices. They do it when a new enrichment programme appears in the WhatsApp group and realise their child’s shoes no longer fit or when the family starts discussing the next holiday.
They calculate.
Can we afford this?
Should we wait?
Do we really need it?
Would it be better to save the money?
Most of the time, nobody else knows those calculations are happening.
The family still has dinner. The children still go to school. The bills are paid and life looks perfectly normal.
But the parent keeping track of everything may be carrying a constant background worry about whether the family is financially secure enough.
For parents living in Singapore, that pressure can sometimes feel amplified by comparison.
Your closest single friend has bought a larger home. Another family has enrolled their child in several enrichment programmes. Colleagues are travelling overseas with their children. Someone at work is talking about private education, another parent is discussing tuition, and somewhere online there is always another recommendation about something your child apparently needs.
It can be difficult to remember that we rarely know the whole story behind another family’s choices.
We do not know what they earn, what financial support they receive from their parents, what they have sacrificed or whether they are worrying about money too. We only see the part that is visible.
When One Parent Earns More
A few parents also spoke about how difficult money becomes when one parent earns significantly more than the other.
The higher-earning parent may feel responsible for keeping the family financially comfortable. The parent earning less may feel guilty about not contributing as much financially, even when they are doing much of the childcare and household work.
This becomes particularly complicated when one parent decides to reduce their working hours or leave a job to care for the children.
The income changes but work does not necessarily become less.
There are still school messages to answer, appointments to remember, meals to plan, children to collect and sick days to manage. There are birthday parties to remember and school forms that somehow always need to be signed at the last minute.
None of that appears on a payslip yet the family depends on it.
One parent may feel they are carrying the financial load. The other may feel they are carrying the family in a different way. Both can be true.
That is why conversations about money need to include more than income and expenses. Couples also need to recognise the different ways each person contributes to the household.
The Guilt That Comes With Saying No
Parents also spoke about guilt which appears in surprisingly ordinary moments.
A child asks for something in a shop. You know they do not need it, but you have had a long week and you want to make them happy. Another family is going on holiday, and your child starts asking why you are not going too.
Your child wants to join another class, and you know the monthly expenses are already high.
There are moments when saying no feels like you are depriving your child, even when you know perfectly well that they have everything they genuinely need.
This is one of the hardest parts of parenting. We want our children to have opportunities, experience the world, create happy memories and never feel that they missed out because their parents could not afford something.
But children do not need everything we can possibly give them. Sometimes they need boundaries more than another purchase, or an afternoon at the playground more than another scheduled activity.
What Children Actually Remember
There was one parent who shared something that stayed with me.
She said that when she thinks about her own childhood, she cannot remember how much her parents spent on her. She remembers eating together, being picked up from school. her mother sitting beside her when she was sick and her father taking her to the neighbourhood playground on Sunday mornings.
That made me think about how easily parents can become caught up in the idea that providing more financially means providing a better childhood as it does not always work that way.
Children notice when their parents are stressed about money. They also notice when home feels safe and calm. As they grow older, they will understand that families have different circumstances and that not everyone can afford the same things.
What matters is how we teach them to understand those differences. Money can be discussed without making children feel responsible for adult worries.
They can learn that the family has a budget, that choosing one thing sometimes means giving up another, and they learn that having less does not mean being less loved.
Those lessons may stay with them much longer than another toy ever will.
Perhaps We Should Have Talked About Money Earlier
Looking back, several parents said they wished they had talked more openly about money with their partners before having children.
They simply wished they had understood each other’s expectations.
What does financial security mean to you?
How important is having a larger home?
Would you rather save more or travel more?
How would we manage things if one of us stopped working for a while?
What kind of education do we hope to provide?
How much financial responsibility do we feel towards our own parents as they grow older?
These questions can feel unnecessary when you are newly married and enjoying life together.
Once there is a child involved, they become much harder to avoid.
A decision that once affected two people now affects an entire household.
Learning to Talk About Money Without Blaming Each Other
Couples may not need to agree on every financial decision.
One person may always be more cautious while the other may always be more willing to spend. What matters is knowing that you are working towards the same family life.
It can help to have these conversations when nobody is angry about a purchase or worried about a bill. Sit down together. Look at what is coming in and what is going out. Talk about what matters to both of you. Talk about what makes each of you anxious.
It sounds very ordinary, but sometimes ordinary conversations are the ones that prevent bigger problems later. This can also help us remember that money arguments are rarely just about money.
A parent who keeps saying, “We need to save more,” may be carrying a fear they have never expressed.
One keeps saying, “We should enjoy ourselves,” may be feeling that the family has become so focused on the future that nobody is enjoying the present.
Once you understand what is underneath the argument, the conversation can become very different.
You Do Not Have to Give Your Children Everything
Perhaps the most important lesson is accepting that we cannot give our children everything.
There will be things we say no to. There will be holidays we postpone, activities we skip and purchases we decide are not necessary. We have to learn that there will be periods when money feels tighter than we expected, particularly when life brings an expense we did not plan for.
That does not make us bad parents.
Children experience childhood differently from adults. They remember the parent who came home and listened to their story, or eating takeaway together when nobody had the energy to cook. They will remember weekend mornings at the park, visits to their grandparents and the silly conversations that happened around the dinner table.
They remember how home felt which matters enormously to their childhood.
Having enough to pay the bills, prepare for emergencies and give our children reasonable opportunities provides a sense of security that every family deserves.
But there is a difference between financial security and constantly chasing the next thing we think our children need. Perhaps a good family life sits somewhere between the two.
Maybe This Is the Conversation We Were Trying to Have All Along
Many parents shared that what stood out was not how much everyone wanted to save or spend. It was how much everyone wanted to feel secure.
They wanted to know that their children would be okay, or that they could manage if something unexpected happened. They also wish to enjoy their family without feeling guilty every time they spent money and make sensible choices without turning every decision into another source of anxiety. Perhaps most of all, they wanted to know that their partner was standing beside them.
Parenthood changes the way we see almost everything, and money is no exception. The conversations become more frequent when the decisions become bigger. The consequences feel heavier because there is a little person depending on both of you.
We may never reach a point where we can say yes to everything. Most families cannot.
There will always be another school expense, another pair of shoes, another bill or another decision waiting around the corner. But perhaps we can learn to talk about money without making each other the enemy.
We can save when saving matters. We can spend when something genuinely matters to the family. We can change our minds when circumstances change. We can admit when we are worried instead of turning that worry into anger. And we can remind ourselves that providing for our children is not only about what we buy for them.
It is also about the home we create around them. A home where parents can talk honestly. One where saying no does not mean love is missing. A home where children understand that money has limits but affection does not.
We never talked about money until we became parents. Perhaps we should have started earlier.
But perhaps it is not too late to start now.
